Tail Report: Jennifer Lopez (Oscar Night Edition)

I thought about doing the standard "all the hot gals of the Oscars red carpet" post, but...I don't know. There were a few surprising showings (Ellie Kemper, who I'll get to in a later post, and Viola Davis' tasty treats are the first two to come to my bourbon-saddled mind), as well as some comical ones (I mean, Angelina...I wouldn't say "No" to her, but anymore she's the Peyton Manning of hot women: A big name with a Hall-of-Fame career, who at this point is damaged goods and a bit past her prime; she can still win a few games, but there's no way you'd stake your future on her—sorry Brad). But, on the whole, there just wasn't much for (straight) male eyes to enjoy. The one woman who did bring the "bang", though? Our favorite chica from the block. Both on the red carpet:

...and at the after-party:

Yes, that's a bang. Twice. Te amo, mami.